I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
