i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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