You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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