my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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