she woke up with a sticky ear
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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