His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
