Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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