He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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