If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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