Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
