Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
