Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
