does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize