Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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