not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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