'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
