I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
