I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
