you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
