remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
