My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
