so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
