it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
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