How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
