Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
