I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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