if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
