you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
