I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
