Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
