I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize