My first STD was from a foam party
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
