Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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