Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize