His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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