I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
