How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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