Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
