I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
