i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
