I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
