i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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