cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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