OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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