Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
