Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
