The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
