Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Found the puke drawer
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
