Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
