If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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