When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
