don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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