What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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