he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
