I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
