I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize