Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
