If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
