She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
